How to Shut Down Real Life Grown-Up Bullies and Troublemakers

Beth Caldwell
3 days ago
3 min read

We expect bullying to end after high school. But sometimes it follows us into boardrooms, conferences, community gatherings… and women’s events.

And when it happens, it can feel jarring — especially when you’re a grown woman who is kind, self-aware, and trying to do good in the world.

It doesn’t happen often, but every once in a while I find myself face-to-face with a grown-up bully, troublemaker, difficult diva, or drama queen.

And you know what?

It still surprises me.

Every Single Time.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been blindsided — hit with an unexpected personal jab or passive-aggressive comment — only to respond with a stunned look and a stammer. Then, hours later (usually around 4 a.m.), I think of the perfect comeback.

Sound familiar?

My mom once gave me advice that completely changed how I navigate these moments:

“Beth, have your response ready in advance.”

For a long time, I resisted that. I like my friendly, optimistic personality. I like believing the best in everyone I meet. I worried that preparing responses would turn me cynical.

I didn't want to become a person who expected the worst instead of hoping for the best.

But here’s what I learned:

You can do both.

You can stay open-hearted and still be prepared when someone is dramatic, aggressive, rude, unprofessional, or outright mean.

It’s not about being defensive.

It’s about having tools ready, so you stay grounded and in control.

Why Grown Women Behave This Way

Most adult bullies operate from insecurity, jealousy, or a need to feel powerful. Their behavior says nothing about your worth, but it says a lot about their emotional maturity.

And just recently, I found myself in exactly this kind of situation again.

But this time, I didn’t spiral.

I didn’t shrink.

I didn’t stammer.

I stayed grounded, calm, and classy because I had my responses ready.

Another big realization for me:

You do not have to match snark with snark.

You don’t have to be quick-witted or sarcastic.

You don’t have to “win.”

You just have to remain aligned with who you really are.

When someone throws shade, you don’t have to pick it up.

And when I feel shaken, I go straight to grounding: relaxing my shoulders, lifting my chin, and taking one slow breath.

These small actions make a huge difference.

Below are the exact tools I rely on. (Thanks, mom.)

I hope they will help you too.

When You Find Yourself Freezing

Here are my favorite graceful and neutral redirects for when you want to stand firm and stay professional:

“Let’s keep this positive.”
“I’m not engaging in that conversation today.”
“I’d like to focus on the event, thank you.”

Confident Boundary Statements

For when someone’s behavior crosses a line:

“That's not appropriate.”
“Please speak to me respectfully.”
“I’m not comfortable with the way you’re speaking to me.”

Elegant Exits

For when it’s time to remove yourself with grace:

“I see someone I need to talk to. Excuse me.”
“I’m going to get some air. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”
“I’m going to focus on why we’re all here.”

Grounding Tips for Instant Calm

Take a slow breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Drop your shoulders and unclench your jaw.
Lift your chin slightly to signal confidence to your nervous system.
Remind yourself silently: “I’m calm, composed, and in control.”

Remember

Being prepared for a bully doesn’t make you pessimistic; it makes you powerful.
The way you handle an aggressive conversation is noticed. You're teaching all the women around you how to respond in a classy, confident way.
You don’t need to sink to someone else’s level, just rise to your own.

-Beth Caldwell

#bethtoldme